How do you define yourself?

Is it by how people perceive you? Or how you perceive yourself?

I know, I know, it's the 'independent' thing to say "No one defines me! I don't care what people think! I'm a self-defined person!"

But really. How do you process what people think of you? Even self-made people don't want to make enemies, annoy people, or come across as a jerk. So I think it really does matter what people think. It matters a lot to me anyway.

This topic stems from the discussions I've had with my wife. I try very hard to listen and evaluate what she says to me and take it for what it is.

We went to a counselor together for a short time earlier this year. Part of the program included us completing a "disposition" survey. We filled out one as we look at ourselves, then another as we see our spouse. I found it very enlightening. It was interesting to see that my view of me and my wife's view of me were very similar. Her's was a little more extreme, but they followed the same pattern.

On the other hand, my view of my wife and her view of herself didn't track together at all. I'm not qualified to say that means anything, but I thought it was very interesting.

I'm learning that it's more important to consider what my audience hears than what I actually say. What I say is important, but I need to receive and process their feedback as effectively as I can and adjust my message accordingly. I'm working on that in my marriage as well as with my employees and coworkers. I take my wife's feedback a little more personally though. Hers can be very direct and blunt sometimes.

I also try the "repeat it back" thing. Where she says something, I repeat it back as I understood her, and she tells me if I got it right. More often than not, I don't get it right. It's very frustrating to her.

So about defining myself, the feedback I get from others plays a pretty big part in that. If someone tells me I'm wishy-washy, I hear that as constructive criticism and go from there. I'll do my best to not take it personally and get frustrated. It's important to me to get that feedback because that's the most important and effective way for me to improve myself.

How do I know if I'm a good communicator or not? If someone somehow indicates to me they got my point. How do I know if I'm attractive or not? If someone tells me so....

What do you think about that?