What to do...what to do...

My littlest turned 3 yesterday. She'll always be petite. Still wears some 18-24 month sized clothes. When they talk about percentiles, she doesn't even register on the scale.

But she is so sweet. A hug from her will cure the crappiest day. Almost is as sweet is how, when I lay down with her to get her to sleep sometimes, she'll reach out to hold my hand. It's enough to break my heart.

And it's beyond enough to make me feel like crap when I'm trying to decide what to do with my marriage. I don't know that God is still asking me to stick it out. We tried talking again the other night and it was the same old stuff. Some times it seems like she doesn't really want to save the marriage and is purposefully saying things to push me away. Other times I think that she trying to say something that is meaningful and along the lines of reconciliation, but the actual words she uses aren't that. And that's all besides the fact that she's still contacting at least one of the guys she slept with....*sigh*

I'm pretty much decided to separate from her. Besides the money issue, I don't know what to do about my girls. The only reason I wouldn't fight for sole custody is because of the crap that they would go through. I know of at least one case in my family that the dad rightly fought for custody, but basically because he was the only one with a full time job, and had a higher income potential, did he not get it. He has a lot of kids too. The judge thought it unreasonable for him to take care of 6 kids and have a full time job. Which makes sense, but sucks for the kids too as some of them don't really like their mom. My situation isn't that bad. My girls love their mom too, but at this point I doubt whether or not she can show them what a Godly marriage can be. I still believe that we could have that together, if we both seek Him, but I don't think she is.

I'm not really even considering legal divorce, just a separation. It's hard not to think what about what it might progress to though.

And I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose my job.

Fun times.

At least the weather is absolutely gorgeous. I took the rare opportunity to go golfing today with a co-worker and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Played a new course and didn't do too bad. Not as well as I would have liked, but you can't ask too much when you're making blind shots. I figured out what I've been doing wrong on my drives and actually corrected it. And I was able to give my co-worker a tip that helped his putting. Good stuff.

What a crazy time of life. It feels like I've gone through more new experiences in the last year than all of the 29 before it.

Certainly not all good experiences.

In fact, the only 'good' that I can attribute to these experiences is all about how I'm finally growing up. Growing in so many ways. So many painful ways...

At work. A lot of growing, but I think I'll keep that for another post.

At home. Sheesh. Talk about new experiences. I know for a fact that the experiences at home are intended to grow me up. But why does it have to be so painful? Apparently that's the only way I really learn. The hard way.

It's one thing to learn things. It's another to act on it. I've made this my motto, "Continually choose to do the right thing." Yeah, right...

Continually. As in all the time? How is that even possible? Being the eternal pragmatist that I am, I believe it's not possible. Just with the simple thought that you can't always know what the 'right' thing is. And 'the right thing' is very subjective....maybe.

What is the right thing? I believe there is always a best solution or choice. There may be a superfine line separating the choices, but if one looks at those choices and does their homework, there's usually something that puts one above the other. The thing with me is that I believe in the Word of God. I believe the Bible is God's 'instruction manual' for life. It certainly helps to narrow down what is 'right' and what's not.

So I'm setting here with a lot of new knowledge. New knowledge about how people think. About how childhood affects a person. About responsibilities and expectations in a marriage. About what a good marriage is really about. I'm certain there's a lot more to learn.

With the new knowledge that I have now, I feel I'm at a crossroads. Trying to balance work, home, and kids. Learning all these new things and trying to make the right choice without having much confidence in what is the right choice. This is all new ground for me.

I've learned a lot about my wife recently. She's a pleasant and helpful person, but at this point I don't think she has the capacity to cultivate and enjoy a meaningful marriage relationship. I know that sounds harsh, but considering her childhood, a childhood saturated with failed marriages, I don't think she's ever seen an up-close and personal example of what it is to be truly connected to someone. I've learned that she'll tell people what they want to hear, just so she'll be safe. Safe from confrontation and stress.

I have no intention of divorcing her at this point. That's where God's Word comes into play. He hates divorce. Some people might argue that he gives victims of infidelity a way out of their marriage, but I disagree. I think He only gives a 'free pass' from future infidelity for those victims who do end up divorcing. For those who commit the crime, so to speak, even if they got divorced and married again, they'll continue to be unfaithful to their first spouse. The only way out of that is to never connect with someone at that level again, or remarry that spouse. In my case, I wouldn't always have to ask for forgiveness every time I had sex with my next wife.

But anyway, that still leaves me in a place I don't want to be. Still in a place God didn't intend for me. He didn't want my wife to cheat on me. But He's certainly using the experience to bring me back around to Him. And it's working, if not as consistently as even I would hope...

But what should I do? What's the 'right' thing to do? I don't believe it's right to stay in the situation as it is now. We're roommates. At best. We get along. We don't fight...as long as we stay away from the touchy subjects. But that's the thing. That's not a marriage.

I have a very deep desire for my girls to know what a successful marriage is. At this point, I can't see it happening with who I'm with now. But God works miracles. At this point, my prayer is that my heart doesn't get too hard. It needs to be soft enough to see and accept that miracle if and when it comes. I also think it's likely that it will take me leaving in order to get some of those 'miracle gears' going.

Lots of experiences. Painful experiences, but good in their own way.

Lovin' life the hard way....

332 unread posts.... *sigh*

Life is reaching the brink of overwhelmedness. I feel bad even writing this, having not read much in the blogosphere lately.

I think I mentioned this earlier, but I fired 2 of my supervisors a couple weeks ago. While that in itself has proven to be surmountable, it's not very comfortable knowing that I'm the backstop now. My stress level has risen and I've let it influence my contact with people here at work. Not a good thing...

Work is picking up though. Couple that with the pressure that we're expected to at least break even for the next 4 months, and make enough profit to make up for the losses so far, is just adding to the stress. My influence over how cost effective we are is pretty big and having only been in a position like this for a couple years, with absolutely no direct guidance from anyone... *sigh again*. I've come to the expectation that almost all my life lessons will be learned the hard way. I'm sure it will pay off down the road, but sheesh...

Still not sure what's going on with my wife. I really don't understand how she expects me to be a good husband when she continues to do those things that set off all sorts of alarms. How affectionate do you really expect me to be when you wake me up at 5:30 am after just getting home from doing who knows what with who knows who??!! Yes, I am putting up with it for now. I have 3 little girls to consider first. I'm kind of hoping she'll get sick of that too and pull her head out. She seems unwilling to start at ground zero, which is exactly what both of us need to do if this is going to work.

Then I did the math for my checking account wrong last month. Very wrong. It set me back at least a half a month and my creditors have absolutely no patience. I usually pay all my bills on time, but when I don't, it sure hits the fan.

Ever read the 'footprints in the sand' poem? (Don't know the author or the real title...sorry.) I see one set right now. God's carrying me. But I certainly haven't been appreciating it like I should. "I can do every thing through Him who gives me strength." Phillipians 4:13.

Eliminating unrealistic expectations, making decisions for eternity, and thinking of others. That's what my life should be about right now. Not really sure how I'm doing with that. I can hope to see some blessings in this life, but I can't expect it.

Well, I lied. I know I'm not doing very well with that...

Dream weirdness

The latest post at Eclectic Spaghetti rang a bell for me. I meant to post about this, but forgot all about it.

I had a nightmare a few nights ago. First nightmare I've had in a very long time. It was the 'woke up in a sweat' kind of nightmare.

I wish I had written it down sooner, cause now it's a little hard to remember the details, but it ended with me failing to save my girls from drowning. They were in my arms and I couldn't save them.

It's frustrating that I can't remember all the details now, but I think we were in some kind of tube. There was events leading up to the end, but I can't remember any of it. At the end, my family was there. My wife was trying to help my oldest swim and I was holding my 2 youngest. It ended with me seeing my 2 girls under water, limp, and with their eyes closed. I just couldn't hold them above the water.

I'm not one to dwell on stuff like this. I don't put a lot of meaning into dreams, but this one really freaked me out. Even writing about it now is getting me worked up.

The last nightmare I remember involved me running over my dad. This was 11 or 12 years ago, when I was in high school. I was in a golf cart and my dad was really tiny. Barely half the height of the tire and I ran him over. If it didn't involve my dad dying, it would be kind of comical.

Sorry if I'm bumming you out, but these are the only dreams I remember for the longest. I can tell when my wife is dreaming because my dreams get really weird. No nightmares, but just very strange and vivid. When I have those dreams, the next morning I'll ask my wife what she dreamed about and she'll have a weird dream story of her own. I don't remember my own dreams, just that I had them and they were weird.

The only other dream I remember is another strange one. In reality, I was at a ski trip with some HS friends of mine. We were all staying in a cabin. I was sleeping on the floor next to my good friend, who was sleeping on a bed. In the dream, we were having a poker game and that friend was sitting next to me. In the dream, he dropped one of his cards on the floor. At that moment, I woke up and actually said to him, "There's your card" and in the dream I pointed to it. The thing that is really freaky, is that he woke up at that same moment and actually said, "Thanks" then in the dream picked the card up. In the morning I asked him about it and he remembered it just as I did, but from his perspective. Weird shit!

Thanks for reading.

How do you define yourself?

Is it by how people perceive you? Or how you perceive yourself?

I know, I know, it's the 'independent' thing to say "No one defines me! I don't care what people think! I'm a self-defined person!"

But really. How do you process what people think of you? Even self-made people don't want to make enemies, annoy people, or come across as a jerk. So I think it really does matter what people think. It matters a lot to me anyway.

This topic stems from the discussions I've had with my wife. I try very hard to listen and evaluate what she says to me and take it for what it is.

We went to a counselor together for a short time earlier this year. Part of the program included us completing a "disposition" survey. We filled out one as we look at ourselves, then another as we see our spouse. I found it very enlightening. It was interesting to see that my view of me and my wife's view of me were very similar. Her's was a little more extreme, but they followed the same pattern.

On the other hand, my view of my wife and her view of herself didn't track together at all. I'm not qualified to say that means anything, but I thought it was very interesting.

I'm learning that it's more important to consider what my audience hears than what I actually say. What I say is important, but I need to receive and process their feedback as effectively as I can and adjust my message accordingly. I'm working on that in my marriage as well as with my employees and coworkers. I take my wife's feedback a little more personally though. Hers can be very direct and blunt sometimes.

I also try the "repeat it back" thing. Where she says something, I repeat it back as I understood her, and she tells me if I got it right. More often than not, I don't get it right. It's very frustrating to her.

So about defining myself, the feedback I get from others plays a pretty big part in that. If someone tells me I'm wishy-washy, I hear that as constructive criticism and go from there. I'll do my best to not take it personally and get frustrated. It's important to me to get that feedback because that's the most important and effective way for me to improve myself.

How do I know if I'm a good communicator or not? If someone somehow indicates to me they got my point. How do I know if I'm attractive or not? If someone tells me so....

What do you think about that?