by God's Good Grace

What a crazy time of life. It feels like I've gone through more new experiences in the last year than all of the 29 before it.

Certainly not all good experiences.

In fact, the only 'good' that I can attribute to these experiences is all about how I'm finally growing up. Growing in so many ways. So many painful ways...

At work. A lot of growing, but I think I'll keep that for another post.

At home. Sheesh. Talk about new experiences. I know for a fact that the experiences at home are intended to grow me up. But why does it have to be so painful? Apparently that's the only way I really learn. The hard way.

It's one thing to learn things. It's another to act on it. I've made this my motto, "Continually choose to do the right thing." Yeah, right...

Continually. As in all the time? How is that even possible? Being the eternal pragmatist that I am, I believe it's not possible. Just with the simple thought that you can't always know what the 'right' thing is. And 'the right thing' is very subjective....maybe.

What is the right thing? I believe there is always a best solution or choice. There may be a superfine line separating the choices, but if one looks at those choices and does their homework, there's usually something that puts one above the other. The thing with me is that I believe in the Word of God. I believe the Bible is God's 'instruction manual' for life. It certainly helps to narrow down what is 'right' and what's not.

So I'm setting here with a lot of new knowledge. New knowledge about how people think. About how childhood affects a person. About responsibilities and expectations in a marriage. About what a good marriage is really about. I'm certain there's a lot more to learn.

With the new knowledge that I have now, I feel I'm at a crossroads. Trying to balance work, home, and kids. Learning all these new things and trying to make the right choice without having much confidence in what is the right choice. This is all new ground for me.

I've learned a lot about my wife recently. She's a pleasant and helpful person, but at this point I don't think she has the capacity to cultivate and enjoy a meaningful marriage relationship. I know that sounds harsh, but considering her childhood, a childhood saturated with failed marriages, I don't think she's ever seen an up-close and personal example of what it is to be truly connected to someone. I've learned that she'll tell people what they want to hear, just so she'll be safe. Safe from confrontation and stress.

I have no intention of divorcing her at this point. That's where God's Word comes into play. He hates divorce. Some people might argue that he gives victims of infidelity a way out of their marriage, but I disagree. I think He only gives a 'free pass' from future infidelity for those victims who do end up divorcing. For those who commit the crime, so to speak, even if they got divorced and married again, they'll continue to be unfaithful to their first spouse. The only way out of that is to never connect with someone at that level again, or remarry that spouse. In my case, I wouldn't always have to ask for forgiveness every time I had sex with my next wife.

But anyway, that still leaves me in a place I don't want to be. Still in a place God didn't intend for me. He didn't want my wife to cheat on me. But He's certainly using the experience to bring me back around to Him. And it's working, if not as consistently as even I would hope...

But what should I do? What's the 'right' thing to do? I don't believe it's right to stay in the situation as it is now. We're roommates. At best. We get along. We don't fight...as long as we stay away from the touchy subjects. But that's the thing. That's not a marriage.

I have a very deep desire for my girls to know what a successful marriage is. At this point, I can't see it happening with who I'm with now. But God works miracles. At this point, my prayer is that my heart doesn't get too hard. It needs to be soft enough to see and accept that miracle if and when it comes. I also think it's likely that it will take me leaving in order to get some of those 'miracle gears' going.

Lots of experiences. Painful experiences, but good in their own way.