Reality: "The state of things as they actually exist."
Not too many posts ago, you got a taste of my attitude towards dating. Pretty much summed it up as a farce. It's people putting the best light on all of their characteristics in order to sell themselves.
That attitude hasn't changed. I still see dating that way, but I'm getting a little more willing to play the game. A little. The problem I have now is trying to define myself in the terms that the ladies use to describe what they're looking for. I ended up writing this with the thought that it could become part of my profile. So let's analyze some of the terms with a question:
"Am I....?"
"Fun Loving" - This is very objective. What does it even mean? I enjoy having fun, but do I really love it? Fun is such a flighty thing. Instead of seeking fun, I seek contentment and let the fun come as it may. I appreciate a woman who can do the same.
"Passionate" - I don't think that I'm not passionate, but rather haven't found my passion yet. I have a passion for my girls, but outside of that, there really isn't anything that I feel very strongly about right now. For a couple of years recently, I was very passionate about trying to save my marriage, but it takes two to make it work. I'm over it now. I take pride in my ability to step outside a situation and analyze it objectively. That's the definition of dispassionate. If you're passionate, more power to ya. Just don't expect it to be reciprocated all the time.
"Driven" - My willingness to go with the flow might come across as a lack of personal drive. On the other hand, if I want to get something done, I'll get it done. How about this? If I have a goal in mind, I either go for it, set it aside until I can, or drop it. I don't pine for things left undone.
"Honest" - Everyone lies. Of course you look fantastic in that dress. :) In all seriousness, my profile may be a little bland because I am honest. I honestly have never thought about this stuff, and am having a difficult time writing it. I expect honesty as well. Not just 'not telling lies', but making a point to speak the truth with compassion.
"Loves sports" - I like playing sports, but there's a conflict between that and my aversion to looking like a clumsy idiot. As for watching? ...meh. If you like it, I'll sit and watch it with you. You wouldn't need to explain the rules either. If I had to pick a favorite team, the choice would be heavily influenced by family or location.
"Not afraid to live life." - Again, one of those very relative terms. I'm not afraid to, but my interpretation of 'living life' may be very different from yours. Only one way to find out I suppose.
"Inspires me." - Can't say I'm very inspirational but I know being good at encouragement is important. Maybe that's what you mean, but I'm not going to be great at inspiring you to be more or become better. I don't really expect it from anyone else for myself either.
"Educated" - Yes. Doesn't mean I don't do stupid things. I appreciate a woman who can communicate coherently. That includes writing.
"Seek adventure" - I really need to do better at this one. I've a bad habit of making up excuses to not spend money. i.e. - Not leaving my house. That doesn't mean I don't like adventure, I love it, I just don't like doing it by myself.
"Could handle himself in any situation" - Does that include stopping a bank heist? train heist? Capturing escaped zoo animals? Giving you a makeover? I'd like a woman who is confident in her abilities, yet willing to ask for help.
"Does not play video games" - I'm out. I don't care if you do or don't, as long as you let me. If you don't like how much I do, just say so.
"Has a sense of humor" - Yes, but I often don't get the joke. I can be funny...if I have the time to write it out.
"Can roll with the punches" - Is that a threat?
"Doesn't have any psychological issues" - Do crazy people know they're crazy? Oh, and same to you.
"Nice handsome man" - I'm nicer than I want to be. And my name actually means "handsome." Does that count? Physical attraction has to be there. That's why God made you so pretty.
"Respectful" - Yes. You are God's finest creation, you deserve the utmost respect. I expect it to be reciprocated.
"Has Integrity" - I believe so. Being a manager puts me in a lot of circumstances where a lack of integrity would make things easier or more profitable, but I learned long ago that it's just not worth the compromise.
"Sincere" - Probably to a fault. I will not say something unless I mean it. I make a point to look for things to compliment. They will not come out 'just because'.
"Amazing eyes" - I don't know. What's "amazing" for an eye? Square? Translucent? Oblong pupils?
"Has an accent" - Ummm...no. Unless 'western white boy' is considered an accent. I have an accent if I speak Spanish. I like hearing a sweet voice. No accent needed.
"Silly and crazy at times" - Yes, but only with my kids. You? I can put up with it, if it's directed at me, but to be that honest guy as mentioned before, I don't really appreciate it. I enjoy classy humor. (Ok, fine..I admit it. I laugh at my kids fart jokes.)
"A godly man" - Yes. Or at least I pray so. Doesn't mean I don't fail at it on a regular basis. I regularly attend church and meet with a group of guys for prayer and accountability (and breakfast.) You're welcome to ask me about this. I'd love to share my story with you.
So what do you think Readers? I'm actually considering putting this in my profile. Maybe with a little cleaning up though. Is it too long winded? Is that comment about my marriage too creepy?
Some people say you should not mention past marriages until you've gotten to know someone. I think that's kind of silly, since it is a basic fact in your life. The comment about marriage is fine. I think it shows that you were committed and don't give up easily.
ReplyDeleteI have no suggestions on how you should or shouldn't change it. I think it has a nice blend of honesty, integrity and humor. I also don't think it is long winded.
A bit long winded, but that's not necessarily a problem. Definitely leave out the comment about your marriage. I always assume that anyone who talks badly about an ex will one day be talking badly about me. Other notes:
ReplyDeleteI think you mean "subjective" in the fun-loving bit.
"If you're passionate, more power to ya. Just don't expect it to be reciprocated all the time." This would send me running. I don't want someone promising in advance that they will respond to my passion with coldness.
"I'd like a woman who is confident in her abilities, yet willing to ask for help." This is lovely - keep it in, for sure.
I think the church piece is important because you want to attract a woman who shares your faith. And let people like me know we'd be a bad fit! :-)
Overall, I would suggest reading it through and making it sound a little less unenthusiastic. Yes, there are things in life where your reaction is "meh" but that's not how you want to come across. Because people should be on their best behavior early in a relationship and what's earlier than the dating profile? I don't mean to lie, just try to sound like you really want to be dating and plan to treat a woman well. For me, kindness and friendliness are key.
(I normally wouldn't offer advice, but you did ask...)
And, having just read silly rabbit's comment - I agree that you shouldn't hide the fact that you were married. That would be crazy. I'm just recommending not saying anything remotely negative about it in the profile.
ReplyDeleteShe's right. secret agent woman makes some very good points. I do agree about not saying something that can be seen as possibly negative in regards to your first wife.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with writing a profile is that its hard to tell how people will read it in their head. Things can be easily misunderstood.
rabbit & agent - Thanks for the comments! I didn't think that bit about the marriage sounded great either. Thinking about going with just this instead, "For a couple of years I was very passionate about trying to save my marriage, but it didn't work out."
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I meant 'subjective'. :D Grammatical genius here.
I am kind of surprised you thought it sounded enthusiastic. I keep rereading it and can't come up with how it seems enthusiastic, so I don't know what to change.
Good notes from both Silly and Secret.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I like the idea of what you've done, sort of skewering the stereotypical check points. To me the list seems almost too complete though. I'd pick out...maybe 5... and roll big with those. But that is just me!
I say post it all. I thought it was honest, hilarious, and to the point. And if a woman cannot make it all the way through (in regards to the comment about it being "long-winded"), than pfffft to her. ;)
ReplyDeleteAre these these the actual answers to the questions on a profile?
ReplyDeleteIf so know this, all people and especially women do not, can not, and usually will not handle the truth. Just be aware, your attempts to be transparent will undoubtedly scare many off because they'll be thinking about how untruthful their profile is.
But you probably wouldn't want to go out with them anyway.
Zany - Thanks!
ReplyDeleteCP - Not specifically, but I browsed some of their profiles and picked out things they were looking for. And now that you mention it, that's exactly what I'm looking for. If she can't at least feel she was being truthful in her own profile, I'll pass.
No, I said making it less UNenthusiastic! People respond well to enthusiasm. ou know, leave out any cynical remarks. If you were actually saying them out loud, they might be funny, but the written word is devoid of tone so you have to be careful to word things as positively as possible.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think ChopperPapa is dead wrong about women being particularly unable or unwilling to handle the truth. That's insulting. It's not about presenting a false picture, it's just about being friendly, for goodness' sake.
secret agent - Ha! I read right past the 'un'. You're totally right, I should make it more positive. As for CP's comment...I ain't gonna stick my head on that block. :)
ReplyDeleteinteresting post, interesting comments. i'm a secret agent fan, follow her advice.
ReplyDeleteand honestly, i think the well lived life is about enthusiasm and passion. your kids are a wonderful start. but at least for me, i want to know what you have to share and that means being interesting and involved in something that greatly matters to you
xo
kj
Everyone lies? I take it you watch House? :-)
ReplyDeleteOK, yes, long winded. I gave up reading about 2/3 way down and skipped to the end where you asked your opinion about whether it was long winded. But I like the ideas. Just pick and choose the best ones - winnow down to 1/2 - 3/4. Not sure what to say about whether you should say anything about your marriage...
ReplyDeleteBut I LOVE this:
"but making a point to speak the truth with compassion." I know someone who does not do this very well.