(Due to Ananda Girl's prompting...)
Thanksgiving comes first! If only because of the food.
I'm a pessimist...and it probably shows...but I see Christmas ads before Thanksgiving as a mark of the degradation of our society. Specifically as concerned with greed. Corporate greed.
Ok, that's all done... Thanksgiving food is awesome! Why would anyone in their right mind want gloss over it or dilute it with thoughts of Christmas? If we took the presents out of Christmas, yet left the massive potluck style dinners of wonderful food, I would be perfectly content.
On the other hand, Christmas isn't quite Christmas anymore. Maybe that has something to do with my preference for Thanksgiving. I haven't been as successful as I would like in teaching my kids what Christmas is really about. I'm not going to go into the reasons why, but suffice it to say that it's difficult. All the commercialization and other influences seem to overpower any attempt I make at moving their focus.
Now that I think about it, I think it is easier at Thanksgiving to work with my kids and show them what thanksgiving really is. Christmas celebrates the birth of our Savior, but Thanksgiving gives us a prime opportunity to live like He wants us to.
But I sure like Christmas decorations. Now...if we did the same for Thanksgiving...would it be the perfect holiday?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Opportunity knocks....sometimes not very loudly
I wonder. It seems people and situations have been coming into my life lately that have a hint of professional and social networking to them. I haven't really been looking either.
The first was an invite to 'Wing Wednesdays' from a customer of ours, Tim. He's also the bro-in-law of my boss, but my boss doesn't go to the lunch. Tim is kind of the ring leader, but even if he's not there, at least 2 or 3 other guys show up. They all have something to do with construction, but there's an engineer/designer, a concrete contractor, an electrician, a HVAC guy, a lumber yard guy, Tim (the builder), and me (the truss guy.)
So we hang out, shoot the breeze, eat $0.50 wings and that's about it. One guy pays and it rotates. I like it. It's nice to look forward to and it seems like they still want me to come after attending for a couple months now.
Then there's the odd golf tournament that we (the company) sponsor. Being a building supplier, we're close to the start of the process, so we usually do the sponsoring and not get the invites as customers, but that's ok. It's good to meet new people, get to know your fellow industry people and have a good time. Free drink tickets aren't too bad either.
Our local salesman invited me to a tournament on Tuesday. It was cold. The weather report said 60 degrees, but it sure was a cold 60. Cloudy and rainy. And I played horribly. Couldn't hit a drive to save my life. The last few holes weren't too bad, but sheesh it was frustrating. Anyway...
I also started attending a new study at our church. It's not really a Bible study; we're studying ancient and not-so-ancient biblical philosophers. We're starting with Saint Augustine, Martin Luther, and John Calvin. I've never really done anything like this and I just hope I'm up to the task.
But it's certainly another opportunity. There are a lot of smart guys in there and not all part of the same industry. Rather than professional networking, it's social. I haven't done too much of that lately. And I'm also hopeful that I can find a mentor there. I've been thinking quite a lot (and not praying enough) about finding a mentor. Our pastor did a series of sermons on the books of Kings and one of the things that jumped out at me is that the most successful kings had godly mentors to help them. When they ignored those mentors, they got hit pretty hard. Not that I aspire to be a king, but I desire very much to become a better father.
I'm not really looking for opportunities like this, but I'm glad they come. I just hope I'm aware enough to take advantage of them.
But through it all I wonder at our God. I wonder at the way He works. It just confirms to me that there is a heavenly Creator. One that loves us as a father would love his children. One that guides, teaches, and prods as necessary.
The first was an invite to 'Wing Wednesdays' from a customer of ours, Tim. He's also the bro-in-law of my boss, but my boss doesn't go to the lunch. Tim is kind of the ring leader, but even if he's not there, at least 2 or 3 other guys show up. They all have something to do with construction, but there's an engineer/designer, a concrete contractor, an electrician, a HVAC guy, a lumber yard guy, Tim (the builder), and me (the truss guy.)
So we hang out, shoot the breeze, eat $0.50 wings and that's about it. One guy pays and it rotates. I like it. It's nice to look forward to and it seems like they still want me to come after attending for a couple months now.
Then there's the odd golf tournament that we (the company) sponsor. Being a building supplier, we're close to the start of the process, so we usually do the sponsoring and not get the invites as customers, but that's ok. It's good to meet new people, get to know your fellow industry people and have a good time. Free drink tickets aren't too bad either.
Our local salesman invited me to a tournament on Tuesday. It was cold. The weather report said 60 degrees, but it sure was a cold 60. Cloudy and rainy. And I played horribly. Couldn't hit a drive to save my life. The last few holes weren't too bad, but sheesh it was frustrating. Anyway...
I also started attending a new study at our church. It's not really a Bible study; we're studying ancient and not-so-ancient biblical philosophers. We're starting with Saint Augustine, Martin Luther, and John Calvin. I've never really done anything like this and I just hope I'm up to the task.
But it's certainly another opportunity. There are a lot of smart guys in there and not all part of the same industry. Rather than professional networking, it's social. I haven't done too much of that lately. And I'm also hopeful that I can find a mentor there. I've been thinking quite a lot (and not praying enough) about finding a mentor. Our pastor did a series of sermons on the books of Kings and one of the things that jumped out at me is that the most successful kings had godly mentors to help them. When they ignored those mentors, they got hit pretty hard. Not that I aspire to be a king, but I desire very much to become a better father.
I'm not really looking for opportunities like this, but I'm glad they come. I just hope I'm aware enough to take advantage of them.
But through it all I wonder at our God. I wonder at the way He works. It just confirms to me that there is a heavenly Creator. One that loves us as a father would love his children. One that guides, teaches, and prods as necessary.
Monday, September 7, 2009
What to do...what to do...
My littlest turned 3 yesterday. She'll always be petite. Still wears some 18-24 month sized clothes. When they talk about percentiles, she doesn't even register on the scale.
But she is so sweet. A hug from her will cure the crappiest day. Almost is as sweet is how, when I lay down with her to get her to sleep sometimes, she'll reach out to hold my hand. It's enough to break my heart.
And it's beyond enough to make me feel like crap when I'm trying to decide what to do with my marriage. I don't know that God is still asking me to stick it out. We tried talking again the other night and it was the same old stuff. Some times it seems like she doesn't really want to save the marriage and is purposefully saying things to push me away. Other times I think that she trying to say something that is meaningful and along the lines of reconciliation, but the actual words she uses aren't that. And that's all besides the fact that she's still contacting at least one of the guys she slept with....*sigh*
I'm pretty much decided to separate from her. Besides the money issue, I don't know what to do about my girls. The only reason I wouldn't fight for sole custody is because of the crap that they would go through. I know of at least one case in my family that the dad rightly fought for custody, but basically because he was the only one with a full time job, and had a higher income potential, did he not get it. He has a lot of kids too. The judge thought it unreasonable for him to take care of 6 kids and have a full time job. Which makes sense, but sucks for the kids too as some of them don't really like their mom. My situation isn't that bad. My girls love their mom too, but at this point I doubt whether or not she can show them what a Godly marriage can be. I still believe that we could have that together, if we both seek Him, but I don't think she is.
I'm not really even considering legal divorce, just a separation. It's hard not to think what about what it might progress to though.
And I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose my job.
Fun times.
At least the weather is absolutely gorgeous. I took the rare opportunity to go golfing today with a co-worker and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Played a new course and didn't do too bad. Not as well as I would have liked, but you can't ask too much when you're making blind shots. I figured out what I've been doing wrong on my drives and actually corrected it. And I was able to give my co-worker a tip that helped his putting. Good stuff.
But she is so sweet. A hug from her will cure the crappiest day. Almost is as sweet is how, when I lay down with her to get her to sleep sometimes, she'll reach out to hold my hand. It's enough to break my heart.
And it's beyond enough to make me feel like crap when I'm trying to decide what to do with my marriage. I don't know that God is still asking me to stick it out. We tried talking again the other night and it was the same old stuff. Some times it seems like she doesn't really want to save the marriage and is purposefully saying things to push me away. Other times I think that she trying to say something that is meaningful and along the lines of reconciliation, but the actual words she uses aren't that. And that's all besides the fact that she's still contacting at least one of the guys she slept with....*sigh*
I'm pretty much decided to separate from her. Besides the money issue, I don't know what to do about my girls. The only reason I wouldn't fight for sole custody is because of the crap that they would go through. I know of at least one case in my family that the dad rightly fought for custody, but basically because he was the only one with a full time job, and had a higher income potential, did he not get it. He has a lot of kids too. The judge thought it unreasonable for him to take care of 6 kids and have a full time job. Which makes sense, but sucks for the kids too as some of them don't really like their mom. My situation isn't that bad. My girls love their mom too, but at this point I doubt whether or not she can show them what a Godly marriage can be. I still believe that we could have that together, if we both seek Him, but I don't think she is.
I'm not really even considering legal divorce, just a separation. It's hard not to think what about what it might progress to though.
And I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose my job.
Fun times.
At least the weather is absolutely gorgeous. I took the rare opportunity to go golfing today with a co-worker and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Played a new course and didn't do too bad. Not as well as I would have liked, but you can't ask too much when you're making blind shots. I figured out what I've been doing wrong on my drives and actually corrected it. And I was able to give my co-worker a tip that helped his putting. Good stuff.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
What Season is Your Soul Connected To?
| Your Soul Is Connected to the Spring |
 You are open-minded and always up for a fresh outlook on life. You don't cling to ideas or beliefs. You are sweet hearted and have good intentions. Even though you've seen a lot in life, you remain innocent. People see you as playful and even a bit airy. You feel free to be yourself, and that's a beautiful thing. What Season is Your Soul Connected To? Ummm...not way off, but not very close either. |
Friday, August 21, 2009
Taking advantage of crisis
Crisis. Quite the powerful motivator.
Having been part of the new construction industry for even such a short time, about 7 years now, I've seen the highest high and the not-quite lowest low. I went from making some good money as a beginner designer to watching my own homes perceived value drop by half in less than 8 months, along with my income.
But even that doesn't quite compare to now. I've adjusted my standard of living to meet my income. I don't have that house anymore, and even though it hurt to get out of it, at least we're out.
But now. Now it's come down to my employment. Not only my employment, but that of the 30 other employees who are a part of our division. As a company, we're not doing well financially. And it's finally come down to it. Break even...or else.
We're a division of a slightly bigger company. We're the 2nd location of a family owned structural component manufacturer. The original company has been around for 30-40 years, under current ownership. Our division has been open for 10 years now. The entire company operates as a single entity. At least in the eyes of the bank. Our line of credit came up for review on July 1st of this year. And we've been losing money for too long now.
60 days. That's our deadline. 60 days to dig ourselves out of a $200,000 hole. We got a 120 day extension on the review, but the owners are talking about making those same decisions that would come with a bankruptcy about 60 days before the review.
Time's up. We have a week left. 1 week. I don't think we've succeeded. We haven't got the #'s for July back yet, but by me preliminary evaluation, at best we've just broken even for that month. I don't think we made enough money to put a dent in the loss that already existed.
But what a time. What a time of learning for me. I'm new to the management game. New to having so much responsibility. New to the decision making process that involves the livelihood of so many people. I enjoy it. I enjoy the learning. I can't say I especially enjoy making mistakes, but learning from those and making the right decision the next time makes it all the more sweet.
What I'm trying to learn and really keeping my eyes out for are the opportunities to capitalize on the opportunities that this crises presents. One specific area of opportunity revolves around people and how they react to crises and stress. I tell you what, a crisis likes this really accentuates the fundamental qualities of people. Some people can handle it. Some can't. Some people excel under stress. Some people fail miserably.
I can honestly say that I work with a bunch of great people. People who excel under stress. People who can step up to the plate and get it done. Of course, there are a couple guys that I have to be careful with. I've recognized a few that do better if they're protected from some of that stress. Just show them what needs to be done, give them the tools to do it, and watch it get done. Don't breathe down their necks or they'll crash.
I've also learned that people really respond to praise. Looking for and recognizing opportunities to praise them for the good work they do has been paramount to getting the most from my guys. I certainly can't say I'm great at it. I need to do a lot better at making that praise public.
I've also learned to watch the numbers. What my guys do involves a regular change of pace throughout the day. Some parts of their job requires patience and carefulness. Other parts allow them to fly through their work. I've had to check my stress level when I walk out into the shop and not much is happening. It seems like everyone is just moving too slow. But inevitably, the production #'s come back and they're doing great. And I know they're doing great. They're all experienced enough to be careful during the planning part and fly through the rest of it.
So at the end of it all, I've learned a lot. Even if we close (which I don't know is going happen), I'll walk away from a valuable experience. An experience that has prepared me to be even that more successful in my next venture...even when I hope it doesn't come too soon.
Having been part of the new construction industry for even such a short time, about 7 years now, I've seen the highest high and the not-quite lowest low. I went from making some good money as a beginner designer to watching my own homes perceived value drop by half in less than 8 months, along with my income.
But even that doesn't quite compare to now. I've adjusted my standard of living to meet my income. I don't have that house anymore, and even though it hurt to get out of it, at least we're out.
But now. Now it's come down to my employment. Not only my employment, but that of the 30 other employees who are a part of our division. As a company, we're not doing well financially. And it's finally come down to it. Break even...or else.
We're a division of a slightly bigger company. We're the 2nd location of a family owned structural component manufacturer. The original company has been around for 30-40 years, under current ownership. Our division has been open for 10 years now. The entire company operates as a single entity. At least in the eyes of the bank. Our line of credit came up for review on July 1st of this year. And we've been losing money for too long now.
60 days. That's our deadline. 60 days to dig ourselves out of a $200,000 hole. We got a 120 day extension on the review, but the owners are talking about making those same decisions that would come with a bankruptcy about 60 days before the review.
Time's up. We have a week left. 1 week. I don't think we've succeeded. We haven't got the #'s for July back yet, but by me preliminary evaluation, at best we've just broken even for that month. I don't think we made enough money to put a dent in the loss that already existed.
But what a time. What a time of learning for me. I'm new to the management game. New to having so much responsibility. New to the decision making process that involves the livelihood of so many people. I enjoy it. I enjoy the learning. I can't say I especially enjoy making mistakes, but learning from those and making the right decision the next time makes it all the more sweet.
What I'm trying to learn and really keeping my eyes out for are the opportunities to capitalize on the opportunities that this crises presents. One specific area of opportunity revolves around people and how they react to crises and stress. I tell you what, a crisis likes this really accentuates the fundamental qualities of people. Some people can handle it. Some can't. Some people excel under stress. Some people fail miserably.
I can honestly say that I work with a bunch of great people. People who excel under stress. People who can step up to the plate and get it done. Of course, there are a couple guys that I have to be careful with. I've recognized a few that do better if they're protected from some of that stress. Just show them what needs to be done, give them the tools to do it, and watch it get done. Don't breathe down their necks or they'll crash.
I've also learned that people really respond to praise. Looking for and recognizing opportunities to praise them for the good work they do has been paramount to getting the most from my guys. I certainly can't say I'm great at it. I need to do a lot better at making that praise public.
I've also learned to watch the numbers. What my guys do involves a regular change of pace throughout the day. Some parts of their job requires patience and carefulness. Other parts allow them to fly through their work. I've had to check my stress level when I walk out into the shop and not much is happening. It seems like everyone is just moving too slow. But inevitably, the production #'s come back and they're doing great. And I know they're doing great. They're all experienced enough to be careful during the planning part and fly through the rest of it.
So at the end of it all, I've learned a lot. Even if we close (which I don't know is going happen), I'll walk away from a valuable experience. An experience that has prepared me to be even that more successful in my next venture...even when I hope it doesn't come too soon.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Let's start a discussion!
Pamela responded to my last blog post and I'd love to talk more about it.
Here's her post:
I'm sorry. Life is confusing. You have to ponder, meditate, pray and trust yourself. Your post is a little confusing to me because you talk about leaving but not divorcing. So you would separate and not divorce? You want your children to see a good marriage - are you thinking over time your current marriage will become that? If your wife does not have the courage to face her fears, it seems that will not happen. Do you think she ever will have that courage? Can you help make that happen? If not, yes, tough decisions come. And while I respect your beliefs, I wonder at the interpretation of God's word sometimes.
I don't understand this para: Some people might argue that he gives victims of infidelity a way out of their marriage, but I disagree. I think He only gives a 'free pass' from future infidelity for those victims who do end up divorcing. For those who commit the crime, so to speak, even if they got divorced and married again, they'll continue to be unfaithful to their first spouse. The only way out of that is to never connect with someone at that level again, or remarry that spouse. In my case, I wouldn't always have to ask for forgiveness every time I had sex with my next wife.
I know you are just trying to sort things out by writing, and that's good. Continue to do so.
Lots of stuff to discuss! I love it!
And now that I read back through that paragraph, I'm even confusing myself.
I believe God works miracles. Major miracles. So yes, I do believe that our marriage can recover. As for how I feel about that, my gut is telling me that we won't recover. And a lot of that has to do with my fortitude. I'm totally fed up with the distorted view she seems to have of certain things.
For example; Last night, I was making a shopping list and asked her if there was anything she needed. (I've pretty much cut her off from direct access to my money...a long story.) Her typical response is, "Sure, there's lots I need, but I'm not going to tell you because I don't want to be a burden." It has been my typical response to say, "But your my wife, it's really not a burden." She seems unable to accept the idea that I'm willing to assume these so-called burdens because of the simple fact that she is my wife.
The purpose of the separation is for a number of reasons. One is to just get us apart from each other and away from annoyances and those frustrations we associate with each other. Give us time to think apart from each other, so to speak. Another is to show her what she would be missing. Wyoming is not so hard on husbands as some other states are. They usually don't award alimony, just child support, and even that's based on how much time the kids spend with each parent. As long as they live under my roof and I feed them, I don't owe her a thing. (Forget the fact that she has a full time job and doesn't pay anything but her astronomical cell phone bill and a couple of measly credit card bills. Anyhoo...)
Will that succeed? My gut tells me no...but "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." So that's why I've not decided to divorce...yet. Maybe it's my meager, superficial way of trying to leave the door open for God. Even though I'm afraid I've already shut my heart out too much.
And about the infidelity thing. There are a lot of people, most probably, that say Gods Words says it's ok to divorce if your spouse cheats on you. I don't think that's what it says. God flat out says, "I hate divorce." And there is at least one story about a husband (Hosea) commanded by God to marry and repeatedly take back a very wayward wife.
What I believe the Bible says about the subject is specifically about the sin of adultery and how it relates to each spouse after the deed is done.
For the wayward spouse, there is no out. There is no way for that spouse to continue having inappropriate relationships with someone other than their first spouse, without continuing to commit adultery against that first spouse. Even if they got remarried.
For the other spouse, I believe God allows for that person to have a proper marriage relationship with someone else, without committing adultery against their first wayward spouse. This is assuming they got divorced and remarried. If they have a sexual relationship with someone they're not married to, then it doesn't apply.
Does that make more sense? Any arguments?
I'll try and do my homework tonight and come up with proper references.
Here's her post:
I'm sorry. Life is confusing. You have to ponder, meditate, pray and trust yourself. Your post is a little confusing to me because you talk about leaving but not divorcing. So you would separate and not divorce? You want your children to see a good marriage - are you thinking over time your current marriage will become that? If your wife does not have the courage to face her fears, it seems that will not happen. Do you think she ever will have that courage? Can you help make that happen? If not, yes, tough decisions come. And while I respect your beliefs, I wonder at the interpretation of God's word sometimes.
I don't understand this para: Some people might argue that he gives victims of infidelity a way out of their marriage, but I disagree. I think He only gives a 'free pass' from future infidelity for those victims who do end up divorcing. For those who commit the crime, so to speak, even if they got divorced and married again, they'll continue to be unfaithful to their first spouse. The only way out of that is to never connect with someone at that level again, or remarry that spouse. In my case, I wouldn't always have to ask for forgiveness every time I had sex with my next wife.
I know you are just trying to sort things out by writing, and that's good. Continue to do so.
Lots of stuff to discuss! I love it!
And now that I read back through that paragraph, I'm even confusing myself.
I believe God works miracles. Major miracles. So yes, I do believe that our marriage can recover. As for how I feel about that, my gut is telling me that we won't recover. And a lot of that has to do with my fortitude. I'm totally fed up with the distorted view she seems to have of certain things.
For example; Last night, I was making a shopping list and asked her if there was anything she needed. (I've pretty much cut her off from direct access to my money...a long story.) Her typical response is, "Sure, there's lots I need, but I'm not going to tell you because I don't want to be a burden." It has been my typical response to say, "But your my wife, it's really not a burden." She seems unable to accept the idea that I'm willing to assume these so-called burdens because of the simple fact that she is my wife.
The purpose of the separation is for a number of reasons. One is to just get us apart from each other and away from annoyances and those frustrations we associate with each other. Give us time to think apart from each other, so to speak. Another is to show her what she would be missing. Wyoming is not so hard on husbands as some other states are. They usually don't award alimony, just child support, and even that's based on how much time the kids spend with each parent. As long as they live under my roof and I feed them, I don't owe her a thing. (Forget the fact that she has a full time job and doesn't pay anything but her astronomical cell phone bill and a couple of measly credit card bills. Anyhoo...)
Will that succeed? My gut tells me no...but "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." So that's why I've not decided to divorce...yet. Maybe it's my meager, superficial way of trying to leave the door open for God. Even though I'm afraid I've already shut my heart out too much.
And about the infidelity thing. There are a lot of people, most probably, that say Gods Words says it's ok to divorce if your spouse cheats on you. I don't think that's what it says. God flat out says, "I hate divorce." And there is at least one story about a husband (Hosea) commanded by God to marry and repeatedly take back a very wayward wife.
What I believe the Bible says about the subject is specifically about the sin of adultery and how it relates to each spouse after the deed is done.
For the wayward spouse, there is no out. There is no way for that spouse to continue having inappropriate relationships with someone other than their first spouse, without continuing to commit adultery against that first spouse. Even if they got remarried.
For the other spouse, I believe God allows for that person to have a proper marriage relationship with someone else, without committing adultery against their first wayward spouse. This is assuming they got divorced and remarried. If they have a sexual relationship with someone they're not married to, then it doesn't apply.
Does that make more sense? Any arguments?
I'll try and do my homework tonight and come up with proper references.
Friday, August 14, 2009
What a crazy time of life. It feels like I've gone through more new experiences in the last year than all of the 29 before it.
Certainly not all good experiences.
In fact, the only 'good' that I can attribute to these experiences is all about how I'm finally growing up. Growing in so many ways. So many painful ways...
At work. A lot of growing, but I think I'll keep that for another post.
At home. Sheesh. Talk about new experiences. I know for a fact that the experiences at home are intended to grow me up. But why does it have to be so painful? Apparently that's the only way I really learn. The hard way.
It's one thing to learn things. It's another to act on it. I've made this my motto, "Continually choose to do the right thing." Yeah, right...
Continually. As in all the time? How is that even possible? Being the eternal pragmatist that I am, I believe it's not possible. Just with the simple thought that you can't always know what the 'right' thing is. And 'the right thing' is very subjective....maybe.
What is the right thing? I believe there is always a best solution or choice. There may be a superfine line separating the choices, but if one looks at those choices and does their homework, there's usually something that puts one above the other. The thing with me is that I believe in the Word of God. I believe the Bible is God's 'instruction manual' for life. It certainly helps to narrow down what is 'right' and what's not.
So I'm setting here with a lot of new knowledge. New knowledge about how people think. About how childhood affects a person. About responsibilities and expectations in a marriage. About what a good marriage is really about. I'm certain there's a lot more to learn.
With the new knowledge that I have now, I feel I'm at a crossroads. Trying to balance work, home, and kids. Learning all these new things and trying to make the right choice without having much confidence in what is the right choice. This is all new ground for me.
I've learned a lot about my wife recently. She's a pleasant and helpful person, but at this point I don't think she has the capacity to cultivate and enjoy a meaningful marriage relationship. I know that sounds harsh, but considering her childhood, a childhood saturated with failed marriages, I don't think she's ever seen an up-close and personal example of what it is to be truly connected to someone. I've learned that she'll tell people what they want to hear, just so she'll be safe. Safe from confrontation and stress.
I have no intention of divorcing her at this point. That's where God's Word comes into play. He hates divorce. Some people might argue that he gives victims of infidelity a way out of their marriage, but I disagree. I think He only gives a 'free pass' from future infidelity for those victims who do end up divorcing. For those who commit the crime, so to speak, even if they got divorced and married again, they'll continue to be unfaithful to their first spouse. The only way out of that is to never connect with someone at that level again, or remarry that spouse. In my case, I wouldn't always have to ask for forgiveness every time I had sex with my next wife.
But anyway, that still leaves me in a place I don't want to be. Still in a place God didn't intend for me. He didn't want my wife to cheat on me. But He's certainly using the experience to bring me back around to Him. And it's working, if not as consistently as even I would hope...
But what should I do? What's the 'right' thing to do? I don't believe it's right to stay in the situation as it is now. We're roommates. At best. We get along. We don't fight...as long as we stay away from the touchy subjects. But that's the thing. That's not a marriage.
I have a very deep desire for my girls to know what a successful marriage is. At this point, I can't see it happening with who I'm with now. But God works miracles. At this point, my prayer is that my heart doesn't get too hard. It needs to be soft enough to see and accept that miracle if and when it comes. I also think it's likely that it will take me leaving in order to get some of those 'miracle gears' going.
Lots of experiences. Painful experiences, but good in their own way.
Certainly not all good experiences.
In fact, the only 'good' that I can attribute to these experiences is all about how I'm finally growing up. Growing in so many ways. So many painful ways...
At work. A lot of growing, but I think I'll keep that for another post.
At home. Sheesh. Talk about new experiences. I know for a fact that the experiences at home are intended to grow me up. But why does it have to be so painful? Apparently that's the only way I really learn. The hard way.
It's one thing to learn things. It's another to act on it. I've made this my motto, "Continually choose to do the right thing." Yeah, right...
Continually. As in all the time? How is that even possible? Being the eternal pragmatist that I am, I believe it's not possible. Just with the simple thought that you can't always know what the 'right' thing is. And 'the right thing' is very subjective....maybe.
What is the right thing? I believe there is always a best solution or choice. There may be a superfine line separating the choices, but if one looks at those choices and does their homework, there's usually something that puts one above the other. The thing with me is that I believe in the Word of God. I believe the Bible is God's 'instruction manual' for life. It certainly helps to narrow down what is 'right' and what's not.
So I'm setting here with a lot of new knowledge. New knowledge about how people think. About how childhood affects a person. About responsibilities and expectations in a marriage. About what a good marriage is really about. I'm certain there's a lot more to learn.
With the new knowledge that I have now, I feel I'm at a crossroads. Trying to balance work, home, and kids. Learning all these new things and trying to make the right choice without having much confidence in what is the right choice. This is all new ground for me.
I've learned a lot about my wife recently. She's a pleasant and helpful person, but at this point I don't think she has the capacity to cultivate and enjoy a meaningful marriage relationship. I know that sounds harsh, but considering her childhood, a childhood saturated with failed marriages, I don't think she's ever seen an up-close and personal example of what it is to be truly connected to someone. I've learned that she'll tell people what they want to hear, just so she'll be safe. Safe from confrontation and stress.
I have no intention of divorcing her at this point. That's where God's Word comes into play. He hates divorce. Some people might argue that he gives victims of infidelity a way out of their marriage, but I disagree. I think He only gives a 'free pass' from future infidelity for those victims who do end up divorcing. For those who commit the crime, so to speak, even if they got divorced and married again, they'll continue to be unfaithful to their first spouse. The only way out of that is to never connect with someone at that level again, or remarry that spouse. In my case, I wouldn't always have to ask for forgiveness every time I had sex with my next wife.
But anyway, that still leaves me in a place I don't want to be. Still in a place God didn't intend for me. He didn't want my wife to cheat on me. But He's certainly using the experience to bring me back around to Him. And it's working, if not as consistently as even I would hope...
But what should I do? What's the 'right' thing to do? I don't believe it's right to stay in the situation as it is now. We're roommates. At best. We get along. We don't fight...as long as we stay away from the touchy subjects. But that's the thing. That's not a marriage.
I have a very deep desire for my girls to know what a successful marriage is. At this point, I can't see it happening with who I'm with now. But God works miracles. At this point, my prayer is that my heart doesn't get too hard. It needs to be soft enough to see and accept that miracle if and when it comes. I also think it's likely that it will take me leaving in order to get some of those 'miracle gears' going.
Lots of experiences. Painful experiences, but good in their own way.
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