To set the stage: I got served a hearing summons to establish child support. The stbx filed for state aid and in order for her to even get considered, child support needs to be established by a judge. I understand and don't really have a problem with that, but right on the front page it states that she's the custodial parent and I'm the non-custodial parent. I don't remember giving away my custodial rights, but the way we're currently handling money and time with the girls, it's as if she had primary custody. Logistically, considering the girls' school and all, it just makes sense.
Almost all of our mutual friends & family have, at one point, encouraged me to get custody of our girls. Or at least not give up custody. I'm not sure that's the best thing, but I'm afraid if I don't start fighting now, it'll only get more difficult.
At this point I'm not inclined to fight for custody. Not a small part of that decision is the potential of spending up to $10,000 for a 50/50 chance, at best. But it kills me to think that it might negatively affect my relationship with my girls if I don't. Considering the regular upkeep of kids; a place to sleep, meals, school, medical stuff, I don't really have a problem with her taking care of all of that. I trust that she can do it well enough. I don't even mind paying a full custody amount even if we shared custody. It's just money. I just don't want to lose any more time with them and I'm afraid that their mom will not go out of her way to make sure I have that time.
What do you guys think?
In my state, one parent MUST be listed as the primary custodial parent, even if there is a pure 50-50 split. And then there is child support paid by the parent who makes more, again even if the split is 50-50 for time. I am the primary custodial parent of my kids - I carried them and gave birth to them and told my ex it was the one thing I'd go to court over. But we listed our incomes as equal so there would be no child support and we each have them exactly half the time (3 days one week, 4 days the next). So you need to find out if who is listed as custodial parent has any bearing on money/time. It might not - you may be able to agree to and sign any arrangement you want to.
ReplyDeleteI alas have no advice. It's confusing to me. Though if fighting for custody means that you destroy a decent relationship with your ex and thus potentially lose time, well, then you might want to think carefully.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any advice here. My ex and I were able to work things out between us where no one paid anyone anything and our time with the two minor kids is shared in an extremely flexible way.
ReplyDeleteI know you two both want what is best for your girls and I'm certain that you can work out something fair.
I am so glad I don't have to go throught this with anyone in regaurds to my daughter. Her sperm donar has never been in the picture.
ReplyDeleteI have no advice. Sorry!
secret agent - Thanks for the info. I did talk to someone at Family Services that mentioned the option to go with whatever agreement we wanted, even if it wasn't what the court decided.
ReplyDeletePamela - There's a lot about the situation I didn't mention here. But I think your advice is sound. Thanks!
laura - I'm sure glad you guys worked it out like that. It would be nice for us too, but I know I'll have to pay.
Danielle - I'm glad for you too.
(1) I'd ask what your state precedence is. My state, Georgia, unless the mother offers they immediately give full custody to the mom.
ReplyDelete(2) what is your basis for asking for custody? Aside from the fact that you deserve 50% as the father.
(3) What is your current visitation arrangement? I ask because my ex will not give me 50% because of the money (she has no other VALID reason). But I have methodically worked my way to having them 1 night shy of 50% anyway.
(4) while being labeled able to visit with my kids (that is BS!) the time you have with them is the biggest priority.
While it is difficult to do, I try not to get caught up in the custody terminology. Feel free to email me directly for more specific advice, I have dealt with this issue often.
Chopper - (1) I believe Wyoming is similar. (2) Legally, I have no basis. So there you go. And it would take major effort and cost to build a basis, if it's even possible. (3) It's not too bad. I get better than every other weekend, but they only stay overnight every other weekend. Logistically it works out ok but I'm hoping to have them more nights during summer break.
ReplyDeleteI think you've got something there. The terminology isn't exactly father-friendly.