Trimming the blog fat

Some of you may have noticed the little reference off to the right about my other blog. (Probably gone now...) It was intended to be specifically focused on my spiritual life, so as not to lose some of you that may not be interested in that. The thing is...everything I'm discovering has already been written about. Many times. And written much better than I would ever be able to.

So this might be a kind of failure, but so what? I'm probably just discovering that God doesn't really need another author or preacher. Imagine that.

I am kind of curious about my 'calling' though. I believe followers of Christ are asked to do things for Him. Specific things. Right now my calling probably has everything to do with my wife and our poor marriage situation. Even if the calling is just to 'hang in there.' If I look to myself or my wife in this situation, I really can't see any hope. Yes, even to myself. As a human, having been hurt so personally for so long, I can't muster up any love. I can't even fake affection. But I think God is telling me to hang in there and be open for Him to work through me towards her. He is my hope and that's all I need. It's all I have.

And God is working through me. I still try to do things. I've been asking her how she is, even though I fully expect some crappy response back. I offer to do things for her fully expecting her to refuse or argue about it. I've learned that I just can't expect anything else.

Except for one instance....and this'll blow your mind. I gave her some cash for her to get a prescription filled. It was for pain medicine to take while she passes the last 2 of her 3 kidney stones. She bought soda and snacks with it. I fully expected her to get her pain medicine. And I told her so.

It absolutely blew me away.

So these things keep happening. And escalating. It continues to be a test of my patience. I can honestly say I didn't get angry, but that incredulity popped it's ugly head up and I got pretty sarcastic.

Just venting... please ignore.

Anyhoo. So long other blog. (Don't worry, it only had one post in it...)

Taking stock for 2010

It's the beginning of a new year, so let's take stock...

- All 3 girls are fairly healthy. A couple have a cough right now but no major health issues. Add that to the 'good' side of the scale.

- I'm healthy too. My metabolism sure isn't as robust as it used to be, but hey, I'm 30, not 20 anymore. One more for good.

- I have a good job. A job I enjoy. We're not terribly busy, but things are looking up. Another for 'good'.

- I live in Wyoming. Not necessarily 'good', but it's pretty 'gud'.

- After putting gas in my wife's behemoth, I have all of $12 in the bank until Monday. It's only up from here! Good.

- Probably the best good thing of all; God continues to work on me. He's blessed me immensely in handling situations that would have made me pretty angry before. Anymore I'm usually incredulous and at the best of times, just perplexed. Good. (but could be better)

- I've met a few very godly and uplifting men that I know God is using to break me down and remake me. I certainly wouldn't be the man I am today without their help. Good.

- I still struggle with things. Personal things I won't share here, but the frequency at which those things show up is greatly reduced. Another blessing from God. Good.

- The marriage is still crummy. She continues to do unhealthy things to get my attention, according to her. (I think we're not in gradeschool anymore...?) But she did quit her job and should be able to go to church with us now. Mostly bad, but maybe I'll just leave the bad parts off the table...

- I began the year in prayer. (It was a very short prayer as I'm surprised I even stayed up that late.) Good.

So what's the score?

I spent last night by myself. Even though my girls and wife were downstairs. My wife came up to me earlier in the night and asked if I was happy with our lack of affection. If there is such a thing as 'super incredulous', I was it. I didn't get angry but it blew me away that she expected me to be affectionate with her. It really has nothing to do with whether or not I'm happy with our current situation, I'm not, but what does she expect when she admittedly pushes my buttons? So my response was a blast of perplexity. If you don't know what that sounds like, it's pretty much a "HA!".

So needless to say, my thoughts about that particular encounter are kind of overwhelming right now. I see all the great and good things that God has blessed me with and thank Him for them. I also see the trial that God has given me in regards to my marriage. Without that trial, I'm sure I wouldn't have grown as I have this year.

So what's the score?

It's all good.