Some of you may have noticed the little reference off to the right about my other blog. (Probably gone now...) It was intended to be specifically focused on my spiritual life, so as not to lose some of you that may not be interested in that. The thing is...everything I'm discovering has already been written about. Many times. And written much better than I would ever be able to.
So this might be a kind of failure, but so what? I'm probably just discovering that God doesn't really need another author or preacher. Imagine that.
I am kind of curious about my 'calling' though. I believe followers of Christ are asked to do things for Him. Specific things. Right now my calling probably has everything to do with my wife and our poor marriage situation. Even if the calling is just to 'hang in there.' If I look to myself or my wife in this situation, I really can't see any hope. Yes, even to myself. As a human, having been hurt so personally for so long, I can't muster up any love. I can't even fake affection. But I think God is telling me to hang in there and be open for Him to work through me towards her. He is my hope and that's all I need. It's all I have.
And God is working through me. I still try to do things. I've been asking her how she is, even though I fully expect some crappy response back. I offer to do things for her fully expecting her to refuse or argue about it. I've learned that I just can't expect anything else.
Except for one instance....and this'll blow your mind. I gave her some cash for her to get a prescription filled. It was for pain medicine to take while she passes the last 2 of her 3 kidney stones. She bought soda and snacks with it. I fully expected her to get her pain medicine. And I told her so.
It absolutely blew me away.
So these things keep happening. And escalating. It continues to be a test of my patience. I can honestly say I didn't get angry, but that incredulity popped it's ugly head up and I got pretty sarcastic.
Just venting... please ignore.
Anyhoo. So long other blog. (Don't worry, it only had one post in it...)
Vent away KenV! We all need to do it now and then. Most bloggers are very understanding people.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar trouble once... and a friend told me that I should look at that person as if I knew that they would die tomorrow. It helped.
I would tend to argue for a separation and possibly a more happy future. However, since your beliefs make that feel like a poor choice for you, I have to admire your attempts to make things work. I have heard that sometimes if you "do", even if you don't "feel", that the feelings will follow.
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think the popular term for that is "Fake it 'till ya make it." It's a pain in the butt.
Yes, venting is good. And you'll figure it all out in the end. Listen to your self and God.
ReplyDeletePlease feel comfortable enough to vent on here. If you can't vent on your own blog, where can you, right?
ReplyDeleteThat was nice of you to give her money for pain meds, but that would've irked me if she used that money for anything else.