My stbx wrote to me, “I really wish we could come to some sort of reconciliation for the girls sake.”
Yeah, me too. Sort of.
I understand that both of our attitudes towards reconciliation are a crucial part of an effective reconciliation. It’s been a typical problem that neither of us are at the same place at the same time, in regards to our desires and attitudes about the situation. I really do understand that. She chose to go outside the marriage to get certain needs filled, and I’ve forgiven her for that and she’s since stopped. I admitted to her that I was neglectful and not as compassionate towards her as I should have been and did things to show her I’m willing to change. Sounds like a start, right?
It might be a start, but the start quickly stopped.
I’ve tried to explain to her, time and time again, that she can’t expect a positive reaction from me if she continues to point out all of my shortcomings even after I’ve acknowledged them, apologized for them, and then taken real action to see that it doesn’t happen again. She’s even acknowledged that I’ve taken those actions and made those changes.
So why does it keep coming up in our conversations?!
I’ve made a conscious effort, even now that I’m done with the marriage, to not do that to her. To not continue to point out the mistakes she’s made and how she could have handled things differently. I’ve said my piece more than a couple of times, but I know that if I keep saying it, it’ll only backfire and make her bitter. I don’t want that for either of us. If I wanted to reconcile, the only route I see is to expect her to bring up the bad topics. I don’t want to do that.
I just can’t help but see an inherent selfishness that seems to be stronger than any desire for real reconciliation. Or an overwhelming need to be understood without making the effort to help the other person understand. It’s on my end too. I know I’m being selfish in deciding to ignore those statements of hers. For a while I’d respond to them by saying, “You can have all the desire in the world, but if you can’t take the necessary steps to see it done, it’ll never happen.”
Care to guess her response?
“You just have a bad attitude.”
Wha-huh? Whether my attitude is bad or good is beside the point. My reply is a fact, not a feeling.
One of her classic statements is, “I know I’ll never be good enough for you.” For any of you that may be in a similar situation or have similar feelings, a successful relationship has nothing to do with “being good enough” for the other person. At the end of the day, you have very little control over what your partner thinks. You have no control over what their expectations are, but you can do your best to meet those expectations. That’s the little in ‘very little control’. In the end, it’s mostly up to the other person. That goes for you too. Your expectations are all yours.
In my humble opinion, a successful marriage has everything to do with both people approaching each other, in feelings and actions, as selflessly as possible. Of course there are expectations that you have every right to have and enforce, like not leaving the relationship for sex, but that shouldn’t even be an issue if the other person approaches you selflessly, with realistic expectations, and decent communication.
On the other hand, maybe you know for a fact that your partner knows what you need and chooses to not fill those needs. That goes right back to the both of the relationship.
So here I am, in a relationship that I can’t see any hope for. Until she changes her tune quite dramatically, reconciliation isn’t going to happen. And yes, I know I’m choosing that route. Call it self-fulfilling prophecy or close-mindedness if you like, but my desire is gone. Dr. Harley of Marriage Builders says that the first thing to be done for reconciliation is to stop doing the things that annoy your spouse. She’s not stopping. In fact, I think it’s increasing.
These are my ponderings, as I sit here eating my $1 vending machine lunch consisting of a cup of noodles, tiny bag of bbq potato chips, and a glass of water. 57% of my daily sodium needs. Sheesh. I probably shouldn’t make this a habit.
Besides, I think I’m starting to repeat myself.
Here’s the totally unrelated picture. In the foreground is a metal gang-nail, or connector plate. It’s used to hold together the separate pieces of lumber that make up a truss. They’re sharp little suckers, that’s why we require gloves & safety glasses.
Thanks for reading. Although I’m getting dried out re-reading it myself. Skim if you need to, now that you’re already done. :P
