I seem to be going through one of those lazy blogging periods. There are 2 incomplete drafts (not counting this one) setting in my posts list and 193 unread blog posts in my reader. Even trying to comment on posts by my regular readers is falling by the wayside. Sorry about that.
Part of the problem is that I have a lot on my mind. Thoughts about my spirituality, my girls, the stbx, my job, finances, health, and just life in general. I suppose I'm having some trouble with directionality right now.
It's proving difficult to stop thinking of the stbx. We have regular contact. Not every day, but pretty close. The weird thing is that the 'feel' of the interactions alternate between flirting (from her only) and anger or frustration (from her only.) I know what I think about it. I've known for a while that she has some real issues to deal with, but it's hard not to think about it when they rear their ugly head again. It's kind of interesting in it's own sad way.
The worst part of it for me is my reaction. It's hard to ignore it and I've found myself retreating into entertainment (gaming, with trash novel reading coming in a close second) because I don't really want to think about it. I should have something more productive to preoccupy my mind.
Then there are my girls. With my decision to not fight for custody, I'm thinking a lot about their interaction and relationship with their mom. Unless something drastic changes on her end, I suppose I'll be doing clean up for a long time. She doesn't protect them emotionally and it bothers me. It bothers me a lot and I can't talk to her about it. I know this is all for a purpose, but I hate that they have to deal with this.
There's a concept I've heard about. It's called 'breaking the cycle' and in this case it dealt directly with emotional problems and abuse of all kinds in a family. A good friend of ours and I talked about it a long time ago. We were talking about how we thought my stbx was doing just that, breaking the cycle of failed marriages and instability in her family. Thinking back, that was very presumptuous. We presumed she recognized the problem and was dealing with it. We presumed that I would be able to help her take care of the issues she brought to the marriage. We presumed she would be willing to accept that help, if offered.
You know what they say about presumptions....
What about my girls? They're part of the cycle now. The advantage they have, that their mom never had, is a father that recognizes the situation for what it is and is willing to support them. I also recognize that 'willingness' needs to translate into a plan and active engagement.
More stuff to think about.
Just the other day I asked a coworker if he'd ever had one of those days were the mental gears were grinding from shifting too much. He laughed.
I was totally serious.
Sometimes, life just overtakes us.
ReplyDeleteIts such a difficult process, splitting. But you are so right... its a wonderful thing for your girls to have a dad like you. Keep grinding! You will get there and so will stbx.
ReplyDeleteA thought from a guy who has been there. The first thing you must do is take care of yourself, not in some fuzzy say all the time way, but to get your mind right. Prioritize what is most important and remove yourself from any situations that distract you from those priorities. For example, limit your time/communication with the stbx. BEgin the process of treating it like a business, because as simplistic as that sounds, that is what a divorce relationship is. A business contract. Often my ex has attempted to take our relationship to a friendship which I will refuse to let happen.
ReplyDeleteYou can't solve every problem or issue. Focus on the most important ones and start knocking them off your list.
Lastly, if you're not already, I would recommend that you see a professional. A disinterested 3rd party to look at the situations with a new eye and maybe point you in the right direction may be very helpful, it was for me.
I have to agree with ChopperPapa. Good luck sorting it all out. It is hard work for sure!
ReplyDeleteI think the fact that you face up to the reality of it all is a really good thing. Those girls are affected by all of this and that you are there to help them emotionally when they will need it, and they will, is awesome!
ReplyDeleteI hope and wish the best for you... because believe it or not, this too shall pass :)
I can fully appreciate what you are saying. I dealt and will continue to deal with the fall-out of family dynamic issues that my ex (and I, by extension) passed on to our children.
ReplyDeleteYour commenters have good advice. I agree that it is important to:
a. Get it straight in your mind what YOU want from your life, from this point forward.
b. Be there for your children to provide them with unconditional love and the strength to understand, but not emulate, their mother.
c. Give youself a break and realize that none of this is going to be resolved quickly. It is complicated, you are complicated...but you all have a world of wonderful possibilities ahead of you.
secret agent - It sure does. It seems to be happening more frequently now though.
ReplyDeleteAnanda - Thank you. I aim to, but she's on her own.
Chopper - Thanks for the advice. I need something new to preoccupy my time I think. I've heard of the 'business contract' idea before and have tried to implement it, but it can be difficult with the other party doesn't.
Danielle - Thanks!
Shelle - That whole 'reality' topic is another thing I think about a lot. What if I'm not seeing reality? *yodahum* Thanks!
laura - Thanks for your advice too. b is one thing that is high on my priority list. I have a strong need for them to understand what happened. Not yet, as they are young, but some day.
Thank you everyone!
Well, in the end because you are thinking about things whatever you do will be well informed. Which is a good thing rather than reacting off the cuff.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's assumption...
A** out of U and Me... :-) I still remember that Odd Couple episode. You are likely too young for it.